We — Douglas and I — are in the land of “What if…” right now. What if he doesn’t find work soon? What if he doesn’t find work at all? What if he finds work and it’s too far to commute? He already had a hellacious commute with his last job, and the jobs he’s interviewing for right now are a good half hour farther away. What if we have to move again?
It’s kinda driving me crazy over here. Even though I live in the Now, I still have this need to talk about “what ifs” and work out every little thing that can go right and every tiny little thing that can go horribly wrong. Because by talking it out, and preparing for them in my mind, I can put the future aside and continue to live in the Now. But Douglas doesn’t think the same way I do. He thinks that by me talking about it, I’m making plans. So if I say, “What if you don’t find work here? Should we consider moving there?” Then that means I want to move to that location. Which isn’t true. I’m just trying to work it out. Prepare. I’m just talking. Throwing out ideas. But, as I said, his mind doesn’t work that way, and he’s tired of talking about it. Poor guy.
Anyway, he’s been out of work for almost four months now, give or take. And that’s a long time to be out of work. Since I don’t get disability despite my being unable to work, he is our sole source of income. Luckily we don’t have kids to feed, clothe, and shelter. Well, other than the furbabies, and they don’t eat much, wear clothes, or take up much room. Normally, I’m pretty laid back about things but we’re brushing up against the edge of what are we gonna do when our money runs out? territory, and that’s making me a little stressed out. We’ve gotten by this far with some help from his family and our tax return, but that won’t last forever. We have a little money socked away in an IRA… but honestly, we’d rather not go digging there unless we absolutely have to. And if worse comes to worse, we can sell this place and use the equity to move somewhere where the cost of living isn’t quite so high. Maybe back to New Mexico. Who knows? It’s all What if…? right now.
What if he does get a job? He has an interview this afternoon. He’s had two “good” interviews with established and well known companies this past week. If he were to land a job with any of those companies, then we won’t have to worry about him working. But all of them are in Seattle, which is a hell of a commute from our little town. So, we would have to consider moving again. Which is okay by me, but not so okay by him, unless we can find a place that’s right on the light rail, then he’s cool with it. But finding a place to rent with four pets — three dogs and a cat — might be a bit difficult. And we’re not gonna get rid of any of our pets. We could stay here until he’s established at his new (hypothetical at this point) job and then buy a new place that’s closer to work, but buying and selling homes every few years is just… a big hassle. I dunno how people do it. It’s in the realm of possibilities though. One of the “what if…” thingies that are floating around my head. I just want to talk about them. Douglas is tired of talking about them. Now they’re buzzing around my brain like flies.
What if…? What if…? What if…?