I was actually going to make a confession blog post today. As usual, it’s not a deep dark secret, but it’s something that kind of niggles in my brain and might be good to get off my chest. Maybe. Maybe I’ll never post this at all, because it’s kind of a stupid thing. But here goes.
Deep down, in the dark recesses of my mind, I kinda sorta think that buried inside everyone I meet/know is a psychopathic serial killer just waiting to come out.
Like, logically I know they’re not. Logically, I know that most people would have trouble killing a chicken for dinner if it came down to it. But there’s a part of my brain that is convinced that everyone I know and or meet (and I mean everyone, my brain does not discriminate) has a part of them that is just going to snap at any moment and then the murders will begin — like that meme that went around not too long ago where they tacked on “and then the murders began” to the first line of children’s books. Funny, but disturbing too.
I can try and reason and conjecture that it’s because I read way too much Stephen King as a kid. Or that I didn’t have a stable home growing up — abusive stepfather, neglectful mother, abusives babysitters, &c… Or maybe I’ve read too many crime novels, or watched too many crime TV shows/documentaries. Who knows? Maybe my mind just isn’t wired right. I can guess until the cows come home, but it would still be supposition. I mean, I betcha there are other people who’ve read the same books I’ve read and watched the same shows and they probably don’t wonder when the people around them are going to go on a murdering rampage. And I’m here to tell you, dear reader, that I don’t for a moment believe that I’m surrounded by psychopaths who are out to murder me and mine. I really don’t. And yet, there’s that one teeny tiny bit of my brain that says, Yep, that person over there (pick any random person) is gonna snap, and I should be prepared for the day they do. Having said all of that, I honestly and truly believe that just about everyone is a normal Joe who just wants to live their life in peace and not deal with the drama of the world around them.
Cue my psycho ex. I’m kinda glad I had these thoughts, and that I had a plan in place when he did turn out to be a psycho and snapped so I could get the hell out of dodge relatively intact. So, is my brain wrong to have vague plans in place in case, say some random stranger comes stomping up my driveway in a rage? Or is my brain wired wrong because whenever I hear gunshots in my neighborhood my first thought is, “Oh boy, the neighbors have lost it, call the dogs in and close/lock the doors.” Even though I have no reason to believe any of my neighbors will “lose it”? I mean, I don’t obsess over it in any way, shape, or form. It’s not even something that comes up every day, really. Mostly it’s something that surfaces when there’s something not right with the world. Like when all three dogs were barking at nothing last night, hackles raised and they wouldn’t stop. Normally it’s just Poptart and Brandy that go off like that, but when Cocoa gets his dander up, well, something is amiss. So I start to wonder who out of all the people that I know (or don’t know, could be anyone) has gone off the deep end and what, if anything, can I do about it? Turned out to be elk in the yard, so that’s good. Well, elk can be ornery too if they want to be. So there’s that. Anway, I just wanted to confess that I have it in the back of my mind that someday, somehow, someone — anyone in my world is gonna snap. And when they do, I don’t want to be caught off guard.
Kinda weird huh? ‘Nother confession, most of my nearest and dearest already know this about me. ^_^ Paranoia is a bitch, and it’s also part and parcel of being bipolar. Sucks to have mind cooties.