So, y’all might have noticed that I haven’t been writing much. I’m dealing with some introspective issues. I have been dealing with them for some time, but this week has just brought them to the front more than usual.
Here is a picture Doug took of our driveway yesterday on his way back from the grocery store (it’s a short walk away). It looks much the same today:
That, dear reader, is a path that our tenant and friend dug out through the snow so she and Doug could traverse the driveway more easily. And I cropped a good deal of that pathway out of the picture for aesthetic purposes (Sorry Doug). We have a long driveway. The last time it snowed was Tuesday. It’s Saturday now. There’s still all of this snow on the ground. But I’m not sad about the snow. I like the snow. It’s very pretty. And if I were healthier, I would have shoveled a path myself and/or helped our friend shovel the entire driveway. I’ve done it before in similar situations.
And therein lies the problem. I’m not healthier. I have, for all intents and purposes, been snowbound in my house for over a week, and you know what, dear reader? It hasn’t made one iota of difference in my daily routine. Not one spot of change at all. I do the same exact thing snowbound as I do with a wide open driveway and access to the world. And that makes me sad. What makes me angry is that there’s nothing I can do about it. Even if there wasn’t a flake of snow on the driveway, I wouldn’t magically get well enough to traipse out into the world and start exploring it again. My lungs wouldn’t spontaneously heal enough for me to start walking like I used to. Hell, I’ve tried and failed to walk to the same grocery store that Doug walked to yesterday. It is a half a mile from our house. A half a mile dear reader. Do you know that when I met Doug about six years ago I waked upwards to seven miles without even thinking about it? Now I can’t even walk a half a mile? And the fact that I cannot heal myself, or walk a simple half a mile… well that, dear reader, that makes me angry. So these past few days I’ve been both — sad and just a little angry.
So I’ve been inside my head a lot these days. The snow is pretty, and I’m enjoying it. But the fact that this much snow is not really impacting my life much at all — other than to make the house chilly — just kind of struck me to the bone. If I had been snowbound in Mississippi, I’da been climbing the walls by now. Hell, if I had been snowed this long in Albuquerque, I’da been climbing the walls by now. And that wasn’t too long ago. But here? Eh… whatever. No skin off my nose if there’s two feet of snow on the ground. Whatever. So long as the power holds. *shrug*. That shows, I think, how much more sick I’ve gotten since moving here. I was at least still moving about in Albuquerque. I guess my complacency about the snow is helped by the fact that we stocked up on food and water before the snow hit. And that Doug didn’t have anywhere to be this past week because he was between jobs, and he couldn’t actually look for a job because the entire area was snowed in, so whatever. Right? I’m here, Doug’s here. We have food, water, and internet… we’re good. I guess… But I can’t shake the feeling that being snowed in should have affected me more.
Anyway, we are hoping the snow melts before next week so things can get back to normal. We might have to hire someone to plow our driveway so Doug can get his car out if the snow doesn’t melt soon. Me? I’ll come to terms with… everything eventually. I suppose. I mean I’ll have to, right? It’s been almost five years since I’ve become completely disabled, and I still haven’t come to terms with it. Denial, dear reader… it’s a bitch.
Anyway, that’s where my brain has been the last few days. Just in a blue funk. Thought I’d check in with y’all in case you worried about me. 😛