Sharing My World 3/11/2019

Hopefully not this

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? If you don’t think Heaven nor God exists, you might want answer by saying something outrageous, just for fun! Okay, technically as an Agnostic I don’t say that there’s no heaven. Agnostics claim is that there’s no definitive proof one way or another that there is a God or Heaven. Now, I tend to lean towards the “Yes there’s something more out there” side of Agnostic but I still say with absolute certainty that there’s no way to know that there is a higher force commanding the heavens or interfering in our lives. And I am also pretty clear in my belief that we cannot know what lies beyond the curtain of life. So long as we are alive, we cannot know, and once we’re dead, we cannot tell the living, because that curtain cannot be crossed. In my humble opinion. So, does the Christian God and his Heaven exist? I don’t know — I lean towards not. Sure, something might exists out there, but I’m fairly sure it’s not the Christian god as outlined in their Bible. And I’m not a hypocrite to go through the motions of worshiping something (or someone) that I don’t fully believe in. And I lack the faith to simply believe. So yeah, if Heaven, as described in the Christian doctrine, does in fact exist and I end up at the Pearly Gates, I hope that the St. Peter is like, “You were wrong about Heaven, Willow. But that’s okay. You’ve lived a good if not Godly life, come on in.” Because I’d hate to think that the Christian god is as terribly unforgiving as some of his followers proclaim him to be.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? It’s different for everyone, really. I wrote about hope the other day, and I would say that it’s when someone loses all hope. Did I ever tell you, dear reader, that I was locked up in the nut house once? It was a long time ago — back when I was 19, just after the birth of my second kid – first son. I suffered from post-partum depression, mixed with my bipolar, and my (then) husband was out to sea. A perfect cocktail for some serious depression. I made the mistake of getting drunk at a party and that put me in a funk. I called the suicide hotline and they called 911. But I wasn’t in the depths of misery. A girl I met there was. Her mother brought her in and admitted her involuntarily. When I met her, she’d been there a few days and was “getting better”. Her hair, dear reader was down to her knees. She’s spent the last two years in bed because she lacked the strength and desire to get up. I think her mother kept her fed enough to keep her from getting emaciated. But what I remember the most about her was her hair. It so tangled that it hung in one big knot down her back. She’d lost hope. Even though I was in the nuthouse because I was suicidal, I’d reached out for help. I hadn’t lost hope. She’d lost hope. I think she wouldn’t have been alive if not for her mom. I was in the hospital for about 2 weeks, and she regained hope, just a little. I remember trying to comb out her hair at her request, but in the end it was a lost cause. I think they ended up cutting most of it off. But that girl has always reminded me of how low I could go, and my reminder that if I can get out of bed, then I have hope, and I’m doing okay. I can go on.

What do you think about when you’re alone in your car? Nothing in particular.

How would you rate your memory? Depends on what I’m trying to remember. If it’s numbers, names, dates, or faces, then it’s piss poor. If it’s quotes, books I’ve read, songs, or a funny thing I heard back when I was a kid, then I’ll remember it. Just don’t ask me when or where I heard it.

What’s one song that always cheers you up, no matter how blue you’re feeling? There’s not one particular song. No, I’m not being persnickety. I mean it. But if I’m feeling bluer than blue (sadder than sad), I can usually watch musicals and feel a little better. I like Paint your Wagon because it has this one:

and this one:

Both of which I relate too. But I like a lot of musicals. This one is way old. Like, I was three when it came out, but I still like it.

Brought to you by Melanie’s Share Your World

7 thoughts on “Sharing My World 3/11/2019

  1. Melanie B Cee

    I admit to tearing up a bit at your story about hope. I’m afraid to be committed (involutarily), but I’m afraid to stay out here. Things are not getting any better, despite time passing and life trudging on. I find it hard to get up in the morning, I sleep a lot, I don’t care about eating or anything else. I don’t know what the water mark is for hopelessness, but if it’s like this? Life ain’t worth living. I’m glad you got help!! I’m sorry for that poor girl. To be that young and feel this lousy? She had fortitude at least, and good support.

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    1. Willow Post author

      I think you should talk to your therapist and see what he/she says. You might need some help. I think sometimes we’re afraid to accept help even when we know we need it. Since I don’t see you every day, I cannot say if you need to be admitted, but yeah, if you think you do, maybe you should ask your therapist.

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    2. Willow Post author

      And, remember, it hasn’t been that long since Huny passed… Give yourself some time to grieve and heal, Melanie. These things don’t happen overnight. Time marches ever onward, but it does so slowly.

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